We Cannot Properly Leave What We Do Not Properly Grieve
On the importance of honestly naming our losses, together
Pastors walk people through grief a lot. We are there when someone dies; we plan funerals; we counsel people who have lost loved ones; we minister to shut-ins, who have lost their ability to be independent. Sickness, divorce, job loss, death. We’re there for it, praying, speaking words of lament to God and words of hope through our trust in Christ.
Most people associate grief with mourning the death of a loved one—and this is usually the most painful kind of grief. But grief comes from more than just physical death; grief comes with any loss. And the way through grief, as the cliche goes, is to go through it. Not around it, not under it, but through it. There are no shortcuts.
This is advice pastors give but do not heed. As pastors we face losses almost constantly: someone gets upset and leaves the church. Someone you have invested a lot of time in ghosts you and you never see them again. Ministries you felt called to start and promote never gain traction. You sit by older people dear to you, as they slowly decline in health. You are having time with your family and someone steals your energy away with an unexpected text. A vision for what you sensed God was calling you to never gets off the ground. On and on and on.
And while none of these examples are as extreme as a death of a loved one, the little losses add up. They are real, they are painful, and they cause real grief. But we don’t know what to do with them; they are what Kenneth Doka calls “disenfranchised grief,” grief that refers to “a loss that’s not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported.”
I recently heard a pastor on a podcast say, “You can’t properly leave what you don’t properly grieve.” In other words, if we are carrying around all this loss, this disenfranchised grief, it’s going to come out of us some way. Maybe in exhaustion and burnout; maybe in cynicism; maybe in unhealthy coping mechanisms (overeating, drinking, pornography); maybe in overworking; maybe in anger and resentment. But until we are able to name the grief, we’re never going to leave it behind us.
For those of us in the wider Methodist world, I think it’s really important that we name that we’ve been through a really prolonged season of loss. For those of us who have departed the UMC, we have lost a sense of identity; we have lost a connection many of us had known our entire lives; we have lost a hope that our denomination would be reformed; some pastors have lost a sense of their calling; we have lost friendships over disagreements; we have lost security about what our future is going to look like; some of us have lost even a place at our local church, and have begun a journey to find a new place to worship. It’s easy to get angry at people who we feel are responsible for what we have lost; but anger often is masking a deeper sadness, a grief that we are afraid to touch, for fear of losing ourselves in it.
And of course, there is hope on the other side of all this. God is in the business of resurrection, new creation, taking what the enemy meant for evil and using it for his glory. But we can’t ever get to Easter morning without going through the pain of Good Friday and the grief, silence, and stillness of Holy Saturday. I know many folks are ready to “move on,” and I entirely get it; we want to put all of this behind us. I also think that some of us are afraid to name the losses because we don’t want to put a damper on the very real excitement we share and have in the venture of beginning in a new movement of the Holy Spirit.
But we can’t move on and move forward until we are released from the weight on our collective shoulders, released from the pain and loss that is dragging us down. Naming that loss and grieving it properly isn’t one way to move on, it is the only way.
So my question today, especially for those leading congregations in transition, is how are you planning on naming the losses, personally and communally?
How are you going to lead yourself, and your congregation if you are a leader, through the loss and toward the hope?
What exactly, have you lost, and have you named that to God in prayer? Have you named that with those you love?
Before we move too quickly into vision casting, dreaming, excitement, and anticipation, (which of course we will and should be doing!) we need to attend to our grief. We will need to name what has been lost—the dreams that have been shattered, the friends that have gone a different way, the hope for reconciliation that never materialized. If we want to really leave this painful season behind us, we can’t pretend like it didn’t happen. It did; it hurt; and the pain is real.
And yet—it’s in that honest, soul-searching grief, that I think we will discover a deeper, more vulnerable, and because of that more powerful faith. It’s in the book of Lamentations, Jeremiah’s painful cry to God after the destruction of Jerusalem, that we hear some of the most powerful words of hope in scripture:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
-Lamentations 3:22-24.
We do not grieve as the world grieves, because we grieve in hope. May God bring beauty from these ashes.
At our church (Asbury Methodist in Highland Heights, KY) we are going to do a service of renewal to mark the change from being United Methodist and entering into the Global Methodist Church. This is the order of worship we are going to follow. You are welcome to use it and adapt it in any way you would like. I wrote some of the parts at the beginning, and other parts of it I adapted from sources in the Doctrines and Discipline of the GMC, as well as from “A Litany of New Beginnings” that I found online (and I’m not sure who wrote that).
A Renewal Service of Baptism and Membership
written by Cambron Wright, adapted from "A Litany of New Beginnings"
Welcome and Announcements
Call to Worship
Brothers and sisters, it is a new day! A day filled with expectation for what is to come and a day to remember how far God has brought us. A day for looking back and looking ahead, for confession, for gratitude, and for hope. As we begin today's service of renewal, we invite the presence of God to be with us.
Come, Holy Spirit:
Come and do something new in us!
Bring your healing and pour out your presence:
Renew our hearts to be like yours. Amen.
Prelude
Introduction to Hymn:
Charles Wesley wrote O for a thousand tongues to sing after experiencing a profound peace from God after a season of doubt and struggle. We invite you now to stand, as you are able, to sing and worship in connection with Wesleyan Christians all over the world:
Hymn: O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing
Litany of Confession
O Merciful Father, we come before you today, in humility and confession. We are in a season of change, leaving one connection and entering another. The past year has been difficult and painful;
we have been on a journey through the wilderness.
Come, Holy Spirit, and bring your comfort!
We lament, O God, the divisions in your church.
Our divisions are a result of our sinfulness,
our inability to live in obedience to Jesus.
We long for the day when all the followers of Jesus, all over the world, might know the peace that comes from unity in Christ.
Come, Holy Spirit, and make us one!
We give you thanks for the good work that you have done in our midst through our connection to the United Methodist Church.
We remember and celebrate all the good that you have done
and are doing through the people called United Methodists.
We pray your blessings upon all the congregations
who remain United Methodist.
We name the pain we feel in saying goodbye
to the church that we called home.
We grieve at the brokenness of your church, Oh God!
We grieve at the relationships broken, the friendships lost,
and all the congregations that have had to travel this difficult road!
Come, Holy Spirit, and bring your healing!
We confess, O God, that as we have sought your will and guidance,
as we have attempted to live under the Lordship of Jesus,
we have often forgotten your commandment to love one another.
We confess that we are sinners, wholly lost without you;
we have thought the worst of those who disagreed with us,
we have resorted to our worst instincts,
we have treated people as a means to an end,
we have forsaken our trust in the way of Jesus,
and we all have struggled to forgive those who have hurt us.
Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us sinners.
Before we look ahead, O God, to where you are leading us,
to the future that your Spirit is calling us into,
we pause for a moment, and reflect on your forgiveness,
a forgiveness that knows no denominational lines,
a forgiveness that is given to all who call upon the Lord.
We remember, that while we were yet sinners,
Christ died for us. This proves God's love for us.
In the name of Jesus Christ, you are forgiven!
In the name of Jesus Christ, you are forgiven! Glory to God! Amen.
Passing of the Peace
At this time, as a sign of our reconciliation to God, we will pass the peace of Christ with one another by a handshake or a hug, signs of our love and forgiveness for one another.
Hymn: And Are We Yet Alive
Time of Offering Offertory
Doxology
Pastoral Prayer and the Lord's Prayer
Scripture:
Sermon:
Service of Covenant Renewal and Communion
As new members of this congregation of [NAME] Global Methodist Church we renew our baptismal vows and profess the faith of the Church that has been handed down to us.
Do you renounce the devil and all his works, and reject the evil powers of this world?
We renounce them.
Do you repent of your sin, turn to Jesus Christ, and confess Him as your Lord and Savior?
We do.
Do you receive and profess the Christian faith as contained in the Holy Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments?
We do.
Do you accept the responsibility to resist evil, injustice, and oppression by the grace and power of God?
We do.
Will you obediently keep God’s holy will and commandments, and walk in them all the days of your life by the grace and power of God?
We will.
Affirmation of Faith:
Do you believe in God the Father Almighty?
We believe in God the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
Do you believe in Jesus Christ?
We believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
born of the virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried; He descended to the dead.
On the third day He rose again;
He ascended into heaven,
Is seated at the right hand of the Father,
and will come again to judge the living and the dead.
Do you believe in the Holy Spirit?
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic* church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting. Amen.
Brothers and sisters in Christ as members of a particular expression of the Christian faith, [NAME] Methodist Church, a congregation of the Global Methodist Church, we recommit ourselves to our Wesleyan heritage in this congregation.
Will you live a life of holiness?
We commit ourselves to a life of personal and social holiness, going onto Christian perfection.
Will you attend to the ordinances of God?
We commit ourselves to remember our baptism and receive holy communion regularly, and practice the means of grace to keep our faith vibrant and growing.
Will you give your life in service to Jesus Christ in the power of the Holy Spirit?
We commit ourselves to hold fast to the doctrine, spirit, and discipline of our Wesleyan witness.
We will worship passionately in the spirit of our heritage of faith.
We will love extravagantly with the mercy and compassion of Jesus Christ. We will witness boldly, empowered by the Holy Spirit.
Will you be loyal to Christ through [NAME] Methodist Church and do all in your power to strengthen its ministries through your prayers, your presence, your gifts, your service, and your witness as Christ’s representatives in this world?
We will. We give thanks to God for the foundation that has been laid in the past and look forward to what is to come in this congregation of [NAME} Methodist Church. We recommit our covenant to faithfully participate in the ministries of this church through our prayers, our presence, our gifts, our service, and our witness.
Let us pray,
We are no longer ours, but yours.
Put us to what you will, place us with whom you will. Put us to doing, put us to suffering.
Let us be put to work for you or set aside for you, Praised for you or criticized for you.
Let us be full, let us be empty.
Let us have all things, let us have nothing.
We freely and fully surrender all things to your glory and service.
Father God, we humbly lay [NAME] Methodist Church, the newly formed Global Methodist Church, and the church universal at your feet, knowing that it is your church, not ours. Lord Jesus, you said that you would be lifted up and would draw all people to you. Transform your church into a community that lifts up your name, proclaiming the coming Kingdom of God where every tribe, language, and nation will worship before the throne. Fill us with the fire and power of the Holy Spirit to serve you faithfully in this world.
May it be so! Glory be to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Holy Communion
The Great Thanksgiving:
The Lord be with you.
And also with you.
Lift up your hearts.
We lift them up to the Lord.
Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.
It is right to give our thanks and praise.
It is right, and a good and joyful thing,
always and everywhere to give thanks to you,
Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
Before the mountains were brought forth, or you had formed the earth, from everlasting to everlasting, you alone are God.
You created light out of darkness and brought forth life on the earth.
You formed us in your image and breathed into us the breath of life. When we turned away, and our love failed, your love remained steadfast. You delivered us from captivity, made covenant to be our sovereign God, and spoke to us through your prophets.
And so, with your people on earth and all the company of heaven
we praise your name and join their unending hymn:
Holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power and might,
heaven and earth are full of your glory. Hosanna in the highest.
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest.
Holy are you, and blessed is your Son Jesus Christ,
in whom you have revealed yourself, our light and our salvation.
In his baptism and in table fellowship he took his place with sinners. Your Spirit anointed him to preach good news to the poor,
to proclaim release to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
and to announce that the time had come
when you would save your people.
By the baptism of his suffering, death, and resurrection
you gave birth to your Church, delivered us from slavery to sin and death, and made with us a new covenant by water and the Spirit.
On the night in which he gave himself up for us, he took bread,
gave thanks to you, broke the bread, gave it to his disciples, and said: "Take, eat; this is my body which is given for you.
Do this in remembrance of me."
When the supper was over he took the cup,
gave thanks to you, gave it to his disciples, and said:
"Drink from this, all of you; this is my blood of the new covenant, poured out for you and for many for the forgiveness of sins.
Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me."
And so, in remembrance of these your mighty acts in Jesus Christ, we offer ourselves in praise and thanksgiving
as a holy and living sacrifice, in union with Christ's offering for us, as we proclaim the mystery of faith.
Christ has died; Christ is risen; Christ will come again.
Pour out your Holy Spirit on us gathered here,
and on these gifts of bread and wine.
Make them be for us the body and blood of Christ,
that we may be for the world the body of Christ, redeemed by his blood. By your Spirit make us one with Christ,
one with each other, and one in ministry to all the world,
until Christ comes in final victory, and we feast at his heavenly banquet. Through your Son Jesus Christ, with the Holy Spirit in your holy Church, all honor and glory is yours, almighty Father, now and for ever.
Amen.
Taking of Communion
Prayer after Communion:
Eternal God, we give you thanks for this holy mystery in which you have given yourself to us. Grant that we may go into the world in the strength of your Spirit, to give ourselves for others, in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
SUNG RESPONSE: I Surrender All
Benediction